Saturday, July 31, 2010

Pants Transgression

I have done something morally reprehensible. My pants have not obeyed my commands and have gone frolicking past their little pastures. I am ashamed, yet still excited at the same time, which makes me even more ashamed. And this rose does not like to be ashamed. Like, N.O.T.

Rose is at fabulous club, wearing super tight sexy grey lace dress. Rose is slightly tipsy, but only enough to make her really excited and TOTALLY feelin the dancing groove. Rose can be very good dancer when she is feelin it. Many mens like Rose dancing.

MONKEY WRENCH: Rose has boyfriend. Whom she is madly in love with. And happens to be in Malaysia doing fancy schmancy internship.

DOUBLECROSSMONKEYWRENCH: Tipsy Rose like positive attention from mens who like Rose dancing.

Enter Particularly Cool Man who start dancing with Rose.


Rose: DOWN pants. Sorry Particularly Cool Man. We has boyfriend.

PCM: It’s cool, I has girlfriend. We just dance. You good dancer. Me like dance with you.

Rose: Oh, um, okay!!!


And so they dance. And PCM keeps touching Rose, but since they both know that nothing can happen, this suddenly becomes okay. Man says that, if he didn’t have girlfriend and she didn’t have boyfriend, he would “Date the fuck out of her.” Rose falls slightly in love with man. Man kiss Rose. Rose kiss man back. Man leave with pals. In process of driving home, Rose’s head explodes.

In all seriousness, I feel really, really, REALLY horrible about myself right now. The only way I could tell you about this was in joke story form, because I am so fucking pissed at myself. This is NOT something that I want to do. I am so head-over-heels in love with my boyfriend, and I can’t believe I let the rush of dancing and someone being attracted to me let me do something that I totally regret. I guess it’s not like I had sex with him, and he was equally at fault. But, you know me, I’ll turn anything into an opportunity to hate myself!

I told my boyfriend and apologized profusely. He says he is not concerned about it. He says that no one expects it to be easy for us to be apart for so long, and that it’s not my fault. (I still think it’s my fault for being all dance flirty eyes flippy hair smile shake the butt stupid.) But he just wants me to learn to see myself the way he sees me, to value myself for the things he values me for. Which only begins with my body. Gawwwwwwwwww. Tell me again why I deserve such an amazing guy? Especially when I am such a horrible, despicable, undeserving, self-absorbed, stupid fat pile of worthlessness?

Wahhhh. I’m going to go make a calorie plan and watch America’s Next Top Model. My remedy for practically anything. I love you girls, and feel free to yell at my Pants, they totally deserve a stern talking to.



  1. have fun with that calorie plan!
    OH YOU REMINDED ME, I am an epidose of britains next top model behind


  2. Don't be so hard on yourself!You are a great person!Besides you were a little tipsy!Also I envy you,your boyfriend sounds great!Anyway just don't let it happen again. Love ya darling! :)

  3. awww, your boyfriend sounds awesome. and he's right...if you could see yourself the way he sees you, I bet you wouldn't find all that positive attention from teh random mans even remotely appealing. You would scoff at their random manness and look down your nose in disdain at their feeble attentions.

    Start scoffing, lady!

  4. Do you live in SF? The clubs there will make anyone do crazy things ahahaha!!

  5. Oh my goodness! I just freaking love you! You have such an awesome way of writing things. :)

    That said, don't be too hard on yourself. It's awesome that your boyfriend totally understood and loves you so much.

    Careful with the alcohol though! The less you weigh, the more inhibiting small amounts can be. o.O

  6. you write in such an awesome way, I love it!!
    Like u said u didnt do anything wrong and u told your boyf, so dont stress :)


  7. u deserve such an amazing guy because u are amazing!! u only think u are those things about yourself. just cos u think them doesnt make it true yeah?

  8. your boyfriend sounds amazingly understanding!

    We all like positive attention, and you were a bit drunk, so you weren't quite yourself. Don't get too hung up on it....just try not to do it again either haha