Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Wishes

Oh I wish I wish I wish. There are so many things I wish for right now.

Let’s see, top wish is that I could be a free, independent person who could make my own decisions about what to eat, when to eat and what to do with my time. I wish I could buy my own low-calorie food and prepare my own, small, safe meals. Oh God, I don’t think you understand how much I want my lovely 60-calorie Dannon Lite n’ Fit yogurt right now. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuumy yum yum. Oh, and low-cal bread? No more of this 120 CALORIES PER SLICE CRAPOLA!!

I can’t take this anymore. My parents wake me up at 9 am to go downstairs for a specially prepared breakfast of CALORIES, and then we have a lunch of DOUBLE CALORIES at 12 sharp, a smallish SNACK (snack? Who the fuck eats snacks? Snacks used to be my meals, bitches) at 3, a dinner of CALORIFIC HORRIBLENESS at 6, and ANOTHER snack later on.

FUCK.
THAT.
SHIT.

Does it seem to anyone else like the schedule of an 8-year-old? And then, if I want to go out to, oh, I don’t know, HAVE A LIFE, I have to talk to them about it. What I’m going to eat, how late I’m going to be out, whether it’s okay to miss just one meal, or if they can risk letting me out for TWO WHOLE MEALS!! Wow two meals guys? You’re really playing with high stakes here! I may just lose 50 pounds by missing two meals and then THE WORLD WOULD END!! Good thing you’re packing a sack lunch for one of those meals, that makes you feel slightly safer, don’t it?

And the worst thing is that I have to pretend that I want to “get better” and that I’m following the “support” they are giving me. Which means I have to lie out my fat-laden ass about what I eat when I go out. Because, you can bet your skinny forearms that I’m not eating anything (or nearly anything if I’m with people) when I’m out. YESSSSSSSS.

Oh God I am a fucking whale, and I can’t do anything about it. SAVE ME!

5 comments:

  1. Yes yes yes yes yes I CAN COMMENT IT WORKS!!!

    Ok, now I have calmed :-) Here are a few things my head has been storing since your blogger debut

    WOW girl, you got SKINNY. I wish I could do that, maybe I can, maybe I will, I cant under my parents roof though, like you, there are rules here and suffocation is growing by the day.

    When I saw the nurse I faked wanting to get better and wanting to get over it- after 7 years it gets old, people get bored, they want to hear I am ready. (How can I be 'ready'? I NEVER understand this - how can people just want to get better all of a sudden?) Anyhoo then I kept getting fatter because I didn't want to disappoint her with my no progress, then I got crazy and turned to her and said I am not coming anymore, I am sorry, and I stopped after a final 'show-down' with the two I was seeing.

    Now I am roaming and still not getting very far.

    But we can do this.

    If you are 20 what are you up to? Are you a professional musician? I want to learn the Cello. Bad.

    I will when I have the money for lessons each week.

    If you want, join SSPA, my plan to sneak attack August. It stands for Sneaky skinny pants august, where I plan on fooling my parents as much as possible to finally lose weight again.

    I LOVE your blog, and I am so so glad I can finally comment!

    It will be ok, Mad Crazy Rose, we will be skinny again xxx

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  2. Oooo yayy! I am also glad that I can now comment on your lovely blog :) Although I've forgotten what I wanted to say on your other posts, so I'll just comment on this one for now..

    That sucks that you're being watched.. I'm in a similar situation in that I live at home, although normally I get my own meals which is good, but also bad because I am crap and can't seem to restrict. I'm rambling..

    You will get to where you want to be. I'm so glad you have joined blogger because I love reading your posts, and I know we can all help you get there.

    Love,
    Bali xo

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  3. OMGWTFYAYICANCOMMEEEEEENT!!!

    *Does crazy-dance of joy*

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!!

    *Tackle-Hugs*

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  4. Aww, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that! That is why I'm never telling anyone about this, because then they'll make me eat... ugg. That completely sucks, I am so sorry.

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  5. hey there; I can't lie and say that I don't totally wish you'd agree with your parents on eating and recovering. But now I'm realizing that if I was actually forced to eat what my parents planned out for me I'd flip the shit. So I'm sorry. I just hope that some day when you find peace you'll be able to choose to eat yourself; without the stress of sorta being force-fed. And by the way I refuse to believe you are fat.

    Hang in there. Sometimes when things are really bad, they get better. ermm.. sometimes.

    xoxo
    vanilla finnegan

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