Sunday, July 25, 2010


*Warning: Sad post ahead*

I am so fucking sad right now. Ahhhhh. Like, I am seriously sitting here crying right now. I feel pathetic.

Hmmmm, how to describe why I am feeling this way? Let’s see if we can make a chain of statements that follow a logical progression:


  • I am fat.
  • I can’t really do that much about how fat I am right now.
  • When I go back to school I can do something about it.
  • Then I will basically be showing my best friend and boyfriend that all the emotional turmoil that I have put them through in the last year has been in vain and I will just do the same thing all over again.
  • Which means I am really just a self-absorbed needy little bitch.
  • Eventually everyone who loves me will realize that I am really just a worthless pile of lard.
  • And then I will have pushed away everyone that I love for the sake of my emotional weakness and inability to see beyond this disorder.
  • Further proving that I am a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, superficial, needy little bitch.
  • The only thing that could make me feel slightly less worthless right now would be losing weight.
  • But I can’t do that.
  • I am fat.


Insert at various random intervals in that incessant loop the added confusion of WHY can’t I think of any other way to make myself feel less worthless? WHY do I need this disorder so much? Go on train of “I am so stupid and reckless with my life what a fucking failure I really just need to shrivel up and disappear,” which of course leads to the beginning of the loop again. Me = FAT. Because, my dears, that is inevitably where all trains in my head lead.

And that bothers me. But it is also known, and I can do something about it. And therefore it is safe. Comforting. Ahhhhh, I am fat. Yes, this we are familiar with. This we have operation for.

What would happen if that loop went a different way? I honestly think my world would implode. No, can’t think about that now ahhhhhh fat fat fat.

Sorry for the depressingness. I promise tomorrow I shall share my list of restricting/testicle salvaging heroics. For now, bed is my only recourse.

Pip pip and skinny dreams,



  1. oh cherie, it's so sad. sweet dreams because you're very cool and just melancholy at the moment but you know i think you're lovely.

  2. oh dear cheer up. It'll be okay in the end. I can totally relate when you say that all of your thoughts end up at your weight.

    Sleep it off, and let tomorrow bring you a fresh new start :)

  3. Testicle salvaging heroics? Ooooh this sounds GOOD! XD

    I didn't end up going to the party. Turns out it was a good thing. They had turned Jenga into a drinking game! D: Fuck 'em, next time I'm going fo sho' XD

    *Huggles* I hope you have a restful sleep full of good dreams <3 I hope tomorrow brings better things for you!

  4. sweet. you really cant help it that you have taken this out on your body and fat vs thin. you cannot change it now without a fight, and if you still want it it doesn't make you a needy bitch, it means you are upset and afraid and this is the only way to make those feelings less overwhelming.

    I really like you and I havent been following you for long at all. You ARE special

    One day in the future you will see it too, but when?

    LOVE x

  5. I have the almost exact same chain going in my head 24/7. It is depressing and confusing and just plain painful. *hugs* I want to say it's nice to know that we're not alone in it...but then again, i wish no one else had to feel the pain i feel from it. Ugh! SO frustrating. Hang in there, love. We'll make it through this somehow.