Sunday, July 25, 2010

Blues

*Warning: Sad post ahead*


I am so fucking sad right now. Ahhhhh. Like, I am seriously sitting here crying right now. I feel pathetic.


Hmmmm, how to describe why I am feeling this way? Let’s see if we can make a chain of statements that follow a logical progression:


*Start*

  • I am fat.
  • I can’t really do that much about how fat I am right now.
  • When I go back to school I can do something about it.
  • Then I will basically be showing my best friend and boyfriend that all the emotional turmoil that I have put them through in the last year has been in vain and I will just do the same thing all over again.
  • Which means I am really just a self-absorbed needy little bitch.
  • Eventually everyone who loves me will realize that I am really just a worthless pile of lard.
  • And then I will have pushed away everyone that I love for the sake of my emotional weakness and inability to see beyond this disorder.
  • Further proving that I am a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, superficial, needy little bitch.
  • The only thing that could make me feel slightly less worthless right now would be losing weight.
  • But I can’t do that.
  • I am fat.

*Repeat*


Insert at various random intervals in that incessant loop the added confusion of WHY can’t I think of any other way to make myself feel less worthless? WHY do I need this disorder so much? Go on train of “I am so stupid and reckless with my life what a fucking failure I really just need to shrivel up and disappear,” which of course leads to the beginning of the loop again. Me = FAT. Because, my dears, that is inevitably where all trains in my head lead.


And that bothers me. But it is also known, and I can do something about it. And therefore it is safe. Comforting. Ahhhhh, I am fat. Yes, this we are familiar with. This we have operation for.


What would happen if that loop went a different way? I honestly think my world would implode. No, can’t think about that now ahhhhhh fat fat fat.


Sorry for the depressingness. I promise tomorrow I shall share my list of restricting/testicle salvaging heroics. For now, bed is my only recourse.


Pip pip and skinny dreams,

Rose

5 comments:

  1. oh cherie, it's so sad. sweet dreams because you're very cool and just melancholy at the moment but you know i think you're lovely.

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  2. oh dear cheer up. It'll be okay in the end. I can totally relate when you say that all of your thoughts end up at your weight.

    Sleep it off, and let tomorrow bring you a fresh new start :)

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  3. Testicle salvaging heroics? Ooooh this sounds GOOD! XD

    I didn't end up going to the party. Turns out it was a good thing. They had turned Jenga into a drinking game! D: Fuck 'em, next time I'm going fo sho' XD

    *Huggles* I hope you have a restful sleep full of good dreams <3 I hope tomorrow brings better things for you!

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  4. sweet. you really cant help it that you have taken this out on your body and fat vs thin. you cannot change it now without a fight, and if you still want it it doesn't make you a needy bitch, it means you are upset and afraid and this is the only way to make those feelings less overwhelming.

    I really like you and I havent been following you for long at all. You ARE special

    One day in the future you will see it too, but when?

    LOVE x

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  5. I have the almost exact same chain going in my head 24/7. It is depressing and confusing and just plain painful. *hugs* I want to say it's nice to know that we're not alone in it...but then again, i wish no one else had to feel the pain i feel from it. Ugh! SO frustrating. Hang in there, love. We'll make it through this somehow.

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