Monday, July 26, 2010

The Skinny on Skinny



And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the secrets are revealed, the disordered mind-warp is plumbed, the obsessions are quantified, the tricks are traded! For the first time in international cyberspace the craziest flower that grows gives you the one, the only, SKINNY ON SKINNY!!!!


Also Known As:

Rose’s Crazy Guide for How to Ruin Your Life But Be Skinny


*Cautionary Disclaimer* I had to call it that, because I cannot, in good conscious, tell you how to restrict without warning you that this has only gotten me locked up, tubed and fattened. But it’s still fun to talk about!


First of all, something you should know about me is that I don’t purge. I have only thrown up once in my life (when I was 8) and it was the most traumatic experience ever. Many times I have wished I could purge, but I just can’t seem to do it. Therefore, everything I do is to help me eat less and prevent Le Binge.



1. Avoid fasting at all costs. I know, I know, sometimes you just want to feel clean and empty, and yes, it’s often easier to not eat when you just aren’t eating. But really, fasting just turns OFF your metabolism, makes you more prone to attention-grabbing stunts (fainting, heart-attack, blue monkeys eating your face) and sets you up for Le Binge.

2. Try try TRY not to purge or abuse laxatives. It really fucks with your ability to digest anything properly. And it makes refeeding (if you ever have to) 50 bajillion times more painful.

3. Always eat something in the morning. Even if it’s a piece of fruit. It turns on your brain and your metabolism and keeps you a bit further away from Le Binge. (Unless you can sleep until the afternoon, which I never can, but is definitely a strategy of sorts.)

4. Let yourself have something that you want once in a while. If you never, ever let yourself have sugar or fat, your body will crave sugar and fat, and then guess what Le Binge will consist of? If you really, REALLY want a chocolate chip cookie, just make sure it fits into your allotted calories for the day, and go for it! Savor every last nibble of that god damned chocolate chip cookie. You won’t be as prone to eat the whole box later on.

5. Keep a balanced diet. Haha, but Rose, I thought we didn’t want to eat like normal healthy people! We need to be better than that! Don’t worry, we are. In your daily intake of 500 calories, make sure that 30% of your calories come from fats, 20% from proteins and 50% from carbohydrates (starch, fruit, dairy, veggie). Ish. The point is, when you eliminate one or two food groups, your body malfunctions a lot faster. And, of course, balance holds Le Binge at bay. Oh, and keep electrolytes flowing. When those babies imbalance you are in deep shit. Do you understand osmosis? It works like gravity, so don't try to disobey it.

6. Make a plan that you know will fit with your day and energy needs. If you have an early class, eat something before so your brain will work. Just go lighter at lunch or dinner. If you know what you’re going to do, it’s easier to not let uncertainty lead to eating something bad lead to freaking out lead to Le Binge.

7. Don’t have food lying around. That’s just giving yourself permission to eat it. (Unless you’re like me and like to torture yourself by hoarding food and never eating it. But that is risky.)

8. Ridiculous amounts of exercise is not necessary, as long as your caloric intake is low enough on a regular basis. Muscle weighs more, anyway. I sometimes fall victim to compulsive gym attendance, but that usually ends up just making me hungrier. I walk everywhere to stay in shape, and I do a ten-minute ab routine every other night to stay toned.

9. Eat in places without more food. I always went to the dining hall, got what I was gonna get, and found a nook somewhere totally random on campus. No more food = no more eating.

10. Try not to get too drunk or high. I eventually stopped drinking alcohol anyway because it just ended up making me sad. And it has boatloads of calories. But if you wanna drink, sip on two shots in a can of Fresca for the night. That should do you pretty well, especially if your stomach is empty.

11. COFFEE GUM COFFEE GUM WHEE!!!! Smiley

12. Keep this mindset: Eating more is not an option. I’m sorry tasty bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. You look so dericious. I would love to nom on you right now. But you’re going to stay in your pretty little bag, because you are not an option. Not now, not tomorrow, not until I deem you are so. And that’s just the way it is. End of story. (And then remove yourself, because those tasty buggers really fucking want to be omnomnomed till they’re gone. But remember that is not an option. So LEAVE.)



So that’s basically what I do, and how I like to regain my testicles from the iron grasp of Le Parents, Le Administration, and LE FUCKING CRUEL WORLD.


*Cautionary Disclaimer #549, Section 36, Article Hypocrite* Seriously, as much as this does work and I can get skinny, when I was at my lowest weight, I had no brain. Literally. I wrote two papers before I went inpatient, but I have no clue what they were about. And I sorta value my brain. Which means that I need to be a bit more careful this time.


So just be aware of yourself and what you’re doing and why you might be doing things. And talk about it here!! Yay talking always helps :) Life does not have to be miserable. We can have fun and be skinny. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. But don’t listen to me. I’m caRAzeeeee, remember?


I hope this helps, lovelies! Or is at least a bit entertaining!


xoRoseox



16 comments:

  1. Pretty sure I loved this post! So 500 calories a day does the trick? No need to do the 8-6-4-2-fast or anything to keep that evil metabolism guessing? That would take one hell of a lump of stress out of me then. Restricting to 500 a day is much less annoying and binge-ifying.

    Good grief, I loved this post! Stay skinny and awesome darling! And yeah for valuing le brain ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like this post. But I love to fast! I lost 6 pounds in 3 days! But I did only lose 1/2 a pound today so I guess it makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
  3. loved this post! that's seriously the most sensible and amusing bunch of tips I've seen anyone post! The things u said work, and don't lead to EPIC fails! x

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are so hilarious!! I think I just fell in love! Ahahaha!
    Be Happy!
    ~Trinity

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holy crap, I do exactly what you just listed. My dear you are the other half of my heart. Where have you been hiding?

    Talia said the exact same thing about when she was IP. He brain couldn't function at such low weights. She became almost terminally stupid. Fuck, I like my brain. (Or liked, when it was doing good stuff for me)

    My response to number 11: COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!!!! YAAAAYY!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aww, thanks for the comment. Don't worry. I'm well aware that I'm far more than my appearance. My desire to lose more weight than my sister is mostly just a juvenile urge to spite her. lol

    I think my most recent entry is a more accurate description of my priorities, as far as this ED shit goes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hope you figure it out for your own sake before you find you're too far gone to make heads or tails of yourself, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I happen to love what you called this list. It's so true. However, i happen to love the list as well... quite silly of me, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lol, I watched the Batty video. I'd totally forgotten Disney did Ferngully!! D: I was raised on old school disney <3 Best. Movies. EVER!!!

    In case nobody could tell, we're BATS! Bats from (and hooked on) Java!!!!! :D

    Thankfully I didn't have to deal with watching my parents bash each other, they just screamed. (Mum wonderes where we learned all our swear words! XD) Mum did turn on us on occasion, but I can't remember much of it, thank god!

    I love your coffee-addict ID system. It definitely applies to my mates! XD

    Have fun kicking Monday's Ass! Sweet dreams and don't let Tuesday ninja you <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. this was amazing! It is actually really interesting to read someone else's strategies because you and I are incredibly different on some things.

    by the way i literally lol'd at the part with the chips <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love this list! It's actually really good to see things like this written down because when they are just in my head they get tangled and twisted up in other things and it all seems so much more complicated than it is.
    In all honesty, this really gave me some much needed clarity. So thank you! You're amazing =)

    ReplyDelete
  12. How was I not following your blog before? You are awesome! Clearly an egregious transgression on my part. :P

    D is my boyfriend of nearly 9 months (we started dating last Halloween). He is absolutely incredible.

    I can't purge either...I've tried and tried, but nothing. It just makes me feel miserable. Soooo now I don't try.

    Now. I have to get to work. COFFEE TIME!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  13. I absolutely love reading your blog! Your writing and sense of humor always make me smile =).

    I especially love the comment "I like to regain my testicles from the iron grasp of Le Parents." Oh, how I wish I could get my testicles back from my parental unit :/.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow. Loved it. Bookmarked it. Will live by it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I LOVE it! And it's not insane, either. It actually makes a lot of common sense, and is somewhat healthy(??) I know that this whole 'starvation diet' business is not healthy in any way, shape, or form, but your list is the most straight-forward, health-conscious list I have read in a long time. Thanks! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  16. my comment just erased itself.

    UGH.

    Basically I LOVE YOU

    The dramatic chipmunk made me die laughing
    And then when I rose back to life I died again laughing at the term 'le binge'

    and when I rerose back to life I died again with gratitude because I would have fasted 'post-trauma at the beach and found fat galore' and then binged, and I need to get OUT OF THE MINDSET because it will NOT WORK

    So thank you for getting my head back into gear
    x

    ReplyDelete