Sunday, August 1, 2010

Question Day

I am having a very pensive day.

Which I sometimes like, but usually just makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like to think too much, because then I realize how many things I don’t understand. And not understanding things REALLY rubs me the wrong way. I like answers.

But, alas, today shall be an answerless day. But here are some of the questions that I am tossing out, hoping the universe will drop a petal of understanding on my curled up body.

  1. If starving myself is the easier thing, does that make me weak for doing it?
  2. Will I really be able to lose to 117 and then maintain that in order to not be kicked out of college again?
  3. Can I give up my anorexia while still keeping a part of it in the back of my head? Is it even possible to not have it in the back of your head? Like, ever?
  4. Do I really not want to give up my anorexia, or am I just too scared? Is that just what I’m telling myself because it won’t even let me think anything else?
  5. Could I really die from this?
  6. Is this really what I want my life to be?
  7. If I don’t want this to be my life always, why do I want it right now?
  8. Would I let this ruin my amazing relationship?
  9. Why can I think about all of these things, and then just go and do the same thing?
  10. AM I REALLY IN CONTROL?

Ahhh, writing lists always makes me feel a little bit better. But this list could just keep going. Shit. Perhaps things aren’t making as much sense because I had a very low calorie day yesterday. Yup, under 400, baby. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. But, why does that make me feel so good? AHHH, my head is confuzzled. Are you there Universe, it’s me, Rose. Arfschnakel.

xoRoseox

8 comments:

  1. To answer #5, yes you could actually die from it. My aunt died from anorexia a few years ago. While she was trying to get better. Death is very possible.

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  2. Universe: Yes, yes! I'm here! =)

    Great job staying under 400 calories today! I always feel a lot better whenever I'm able to restrict =).

    I gotta hand it to you, those are some really good questions, and they're the kinds of questions that can really make a person think.

    I wish I had the answers to help, but alas...I am useless in that category...

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  3. I know what you mean, and all your pensive questions relate to the comment you left on my last post. I know its stupid and I feel dumb for thinking it and not being self-confident like I portray myself to be, but then the only thing that makes me feel better is seeing that number go down or knowing I did good with a low calorie day. The only thing that makes me feel better is the thing that I'm questioning its worth in the first place.

    If everybody knew what I was hiding I'd be ruined.

    xoxo

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  4. I think it's good to have pensive days :) I'll answer those questions for you.

    1) No, you are not weak for starving because it's easier.
    2) I'm not sure that if you get to 117, you'll be able to resist losing more. That's a danger zone.
    3) I don't think you ever get rid of it completely, but you can make it stay quiet and not bother you as much, I think.
    4) You're probably just scared. If you're asking yourself these questions, then you do want to give it up, at least in some small part of yourself.
    5) Yes, you really could die from this. People do all the time.
    6) I can't really answer this one. What do you really want out of life?
    7) See above answer.
    8) It's possible that you would let it ruin your relationship. You have to work to make it work :)
    9)Because it's easier not to change, and it's what you know. Recovery is scary and hard work, and staying sick is much easier.
    10) No, you're not really in control. You just think you are. If you could just stop the ED behaviors cold-turkey and be completely normal, then I'd say you were in control. But that's not generally how it goes, so I doubt that you are really in control.

    Hope all that helps! Just my personal opinions :) Thanks so much for all your support too. I really, really appreciate it. I wish I could get a dietitian, but they aren't covered by my insurance, and I don't really have the money :( We'll see though. Thank you again!!!

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  5. I am the asshole who answers questions with questions so, here's my obnoxious 2 cents worth:

    1. If you truly believed you were strong, would you feel compelled to starve yourself in order to prove your strength?

    2. What would you gain from losing until you reach 117 that you can't gain from maintaining your current weight?

    3. Do you want to give up your anorexia totally, or do you hope to keep it alive somewhere in the back of your head? Do you feel so attached to it that the idea of not having it one day bothers you?

    4. Who would you become if you did decide to give up anorexia? Are you afraid of a self you haven't had the nerve to meet yet?

    5. Do you want anorexia to be the thing that kills you as opposed to some unknown death outside the scope of self-inflicted decay?

    6. What kind of life do you imagine living when you day dream? What dreams do you entertain when you aren't dreaming of bones?

    7. How secure are you in your own skin, in your own identity? Is anorexia giving you a scaffold on which to support your self-image?

    8. Do you place as much value on your sig-o's need to be able to trust and rely on you as you do on your need to fade away?

    9. When you think of these things, how much weight do their answers have? Enough weight to pull you towards another path?

    10. The illusion of control through mortification of the body is a form of denial...what is it that you are currently denying?

    I know for myself, some of the answers to these questions is enough to make me sick to my stomach, but the more carefully we look at ourselves, the closer we approach internal harmony.

    <3

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  6. Hey. Maybe we can fast together some other time. Sometimes circumstances just wont allow it, i know...
    What the two people before me wrote is really good.
    Stay strong! xoxo

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  7. My dear, they turned your Police-Ninjas back at the border, I was merely bungee-jumping :)

    Fo' shizzle my nizzle, I love you hella bad! (WTF?!? Kimi DAISUKI to itaindakedo . . .)

    1) To be honest, I haven't a clue
    2) You can if you want it bad enough.
    3) It never leaves your head, it is always there The volume does vary, though.
    4) You can answer that, if you look deep enough. (It's scary looking that deep, though. Take a torch)
    5) Oh my YES. It isn't a pretty death, either. In my experience there is no such thing as a pretty corpse.
    6) I wouldn't say so. I wouldn't want this life for you.
    7) You can see a life on the other side of it, so you can see yourself conquering it. You RULE!!
    8) You could if the insanity sucked you in deep enough. DON'T LET IT.
    9) Because humans are creatures of habit. It takes a lot to break ingrained habits that keep you comfortable in a familiar routine.
    10) Hate to say this, but no. Nobody ever is in control of this. We are all slaves to it.

    I love you Crazy Rosie <3 Seriously, I adore you!

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  8. Here's how I would answer.
    1. If starving myself is the easier thing, does that make me weak for doing it? Strength and weakness are not absolutes, they are relative to things. If I have an eating disorder known as anorexia, then I have an illness which is not within my control to manage by myself. Therefore, asking about my own weakness is irrelevant to my current situation.
    2. Will I really be able to lose to 117 and then maintain that in order to not be kicked out of college again? Why does it matter if I am kicked out of college if I weigh 116 lbs? Isn't being thin the most important thing, especially in comparison to getting a degree, having the potential to support myself, and becoming a powerful and independent woman? (Yuk. Who wants to be powerful? I only want control.) Or maybe I doubt I can do those other things...and being a dependent child forever is really not that bad. I could live with my parents when I'm 26...or even 36! Or a man can take care of me. No biggie.
    3. Can I give up my anorexia while still keeping a part of it in the back of my head? Is it even possible to not have it in the back of my head? Like, ever? None of this may be within my control at this point. Ana may have its grip over me already. In that case, I will always be vulnerable to slipping back into the behaviors. But a better life, without most of anorexia's symptoms, may still be within my reach.
    4. Do I really not want to give up my anorexia, or am I just too scared? Is that just what I’m telling myself because it won’t even let me think anything else? It isn't mine to give up. (If only it were!) If I have an illness, I don't get to just decide whether to give it up or not. I must choose to get treatment or accept that I will remain ill and probably become more so. Or I can just wait for my family to put me back in treatment.
    5. Could I really die from this? This question is a red herring. I already know the answer. I already don't care.
    6. Is this really what I want my life to be? What do I mean by "this"?
    7. If I don’t want this to be my life always, why do I want it right now? I would rather maintain an illusion of control than risk sharing power with others.
    8. Would I let this ruin my amazing relationship? Another red herring.
    9. Why can I think about all of these things, and then just go and do the same thing? Ditto. It's the nature of the beast.
    10. AM I REALLY IN CONTROL? If I have to ask...LOL.

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