Sunday, August 8, 2010

Food Rant

I have very rarely talked about food, intake, calories, weight, la la la, because I figure it is assumed by all that I am constantly obsessing over these things. And because I, like a good therapy-trained monkey, know that there are much more important things underneath the run-around with food.


But sometimes, the spinning and counting and freaking out are just so strong in my head that I must get them out before I can even think about anything else. Which is partially why I obsessively track all my calories on the wonderful LoseIt! iPhone app. Because if I didn’t, it would permanently be in my head, which would be so much more complicated and debilitating. And it has gorgeous charts and colorful graphics!


Anyway, point is, the last few days I have not been able to get away with much sneaky business, so I have been eating pretty close to my meal plan. AND IT IS KILLING ME. So I thought I’d share my torture with you, for some real thinspiration.


Breakfast (320)

1 cup Cornflakes (100)

1/3 cup Hemp-Plus Granola (93)

1 cup Soymilk (100)

½ cup melon (27)


Lunch (527)

1 Luna bar (180)

1 piece bread (100)

1 slice cheese (100)

1 cup soymilk (100)

½ cup pineapple (40)

6 carrot sticks (7)


(I managed to throw away my afternoon snack of 1 cookie)


Dinner (580)

1 hot dog (250) (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME A FUCKING HOT DOG AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

1 piece bread (100)

½ cup rice (110)

1 cup soymilk (100)

1/3 bell pepper (10)


Snack

½ piece chocolate cake with fucking rich chocolate (120)


Total: 1547 (and that was minus 100 for the cookie, which sometimes I have to eat)


I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT THIS IS SO NOT OKAY!!!


And one of the things that freaks me out is that, 1527 is not officially a huge amount. It’s less than they recommend normal people eat in a day. So why does it feel like a fucking binge to me? Every single fucking day. And why do certain foods terrify me? Like I was reduced to a quivering-lipped, crazy-eyed, pulling at my split ends BABY in a public place over HALF a slice of chocolate cake! AHHHH it still makes me freak out and want to rip something off my body.


Food is a part of everything. Every single event, celebration, relaxing fun time, stressful time, we’re bored and need something to do time, EV-ER-Y-THING. I wake up and am faced with food. By the time I have gotten over that, I am faced with food again, and probably a fight about how much and servings and exchanges and the FUCKING HISTORY OF LIFE.


And so on and so on and THIS is my FUCKING LIFE.


I can’t take this anymore. And I feel like the only way to stop the screaming just a little bit is to control my food. I have tried other things, I really have. But at this point, I just need to starve a little bit. I need that release, that rush, that sense of pride, control, that calmness in my veins, that fuzziness that dims everything else out. Today I will have the opportunity to skip lunch, and I am practically 10 Lords A-Leaping. We shall see how that changes the mental landscape.


I love you my beauties, together we will forge the river of Worthlessness and pass into the fairytale land of Beauty, Love and Self-Satisfaction, complete with white sand and calorie-free chocolate!!


xoRoseox

7 comments:

  1. Maybe try pretending to eat the food by hiding most of it in a napkin? I used to have an ana friend who used to keep tiny bags in her sleeves and in the pockets of her sweatshirt to smuggle food.

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  2. I hate how everything is all about food. I would like to have a diet coke and low-kcal jelly party for my next 'event'. I can just imagine the reaction now... but where is the cake.

    Just hold on there, earn their trust and do what you want with it afterwards xxxx

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  3. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time :( Eating totally sucks sometimes, doesn't it? I need to start following you again, cuz I seriously miss you.

    P.S. I wanted to tell you that I've actually never had an orgasm, so I have never had one of those cross-eying orgasms :( But it doesn't make the sex any less good!

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  4. Puns are AWESOME, but you have something wrong, my dear. There are NO such things as good puns! Only bad ones and worse ones :p The "worse" they are, the better they are!

    I'm watching the 2nd cycle of New Zealand's Next Top Model on the internet (I'm too ashamed to watch it on TV, guilty pleasure :p) and MAN are some of the people pretty! Tyra is just scary. Her forehead is freaky. She aced like such a DICK when they came here for ANTM. Seriously, nobody here GIVES a shit! Grow UP woman!

    *Huggles* Hot dog? 0.0 God that would be like asking me to pet a cockroach. SCARYYYY!!! Good luck. Bring on that land of beauty, I'll be there serving up 0-cal margaritas <3

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  5. I still love you :)

    Don't those days suck when you figure out you overdid the whole calorie thing. And then you feel even worse when you realize that it's below "normal" all the same. Story of our lives, eh?

    Sometimes it feels like food is the only damn thing I can think about. Sometimes I Google pictures of food just so I can think of how many calories are in those things and then love how I refuse to eat them. Sick, huh?

    Oh well. Keep strong and keep posting your freaking awesome posts.

    You're my hero :)

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  6. Oh man =( That sounds like hell.

    Yay for dreams of calorie-free food!

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