Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Primordial Pot of Shit

So I was surprised by the responses to my last post. Actually, no, surprised doesn’t quite cut it. I was thrown into a pot of emotional turmoil and philosophical confusion that rivaled the primordial stew from which the first, sorry spec of life oozed.

Well, that might be a slight exaggeration.

But, point is, I have been regressed to somewhat of an adolescent state for the last few days. When I wanted to cry, I cried; when I wanted to throw things, shit flew; and when I didn’t know what else to do, well god damnit, I screamed bloody murder. I watched a lot of mindless TV and movies, and when even those couldn’t hold my attention, I slept. (I also took to practicing the sexy model pouty lips and “smizing” with my eyes, a la Tyra Banks, but that is rather beside the point.)

It’s just as the lovely Kazehana said. The answers to some of the questions I was asking were enough to make me sick to my stomach. I was reminded first-hand why I have adapted a strategy to numb my emotions and turn off my brain. Because when I begin to delve into the vast depths of my psyche, it is not pretty. It’s like I am an intruder into my Private Self, and so my Private Self starts attacking me. WHAT THE FUCK, PRIVATE SELF?! Who are you and why are you such a crazy bitch?

I would have liked this post to be my List of Wise, Thoughtful and Honest Answers to last post’s questions. But, unfortunately, I have found myself with piles of questions on top of questions. So I am sorting, very slowly, trying not to tear my skin off in the process, and taking lots of “fuck it I don’t care about anything” breaks. It doesn’t really help that every few hours I am faced with food + parents, a lethal combination to this poor girl’s sanity. But, hey, my horoscope said this would be a rough week for me, so I can’t fight with the stars, now can I?

I apologize if I’m adding to your madness. I can only hope that the process of dumping my thoughts into cyberspace and a few kind minds will be a fruitful one. I shall let you know when the massive FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK spin cycle in my brain becomes a coherent thought. Stay beautiful, I love you lots <3



  1. I'm in the same exact mind-fucking situation. It's not that we don't know the answers to most of those's just that we really don't want to know the honest answers to them, so we pretend not to know them enough to just make ourselves think we don't know them. Blah... I feel your pain, love. Just know that you're not alone.

  2. Sending you love to calm the spirits

    I do that turn off, don't think thing too

    I know when I am just not thinking, and I know when I am overly positive, that is exactly when it is!

    LOVE x

  3. It gets better, easier. The fear of knowing yourself eases the longer you do it without looking away. It's like playing chicken. The first person to flinch loses, but if you're playing against your fear, you won't see the fear flinch. You'll only know if you flinched, eh? So keep staring. Eventually your mind will make sense of what it sees...

  4. ^ Listen to those people, they say wise things.

    I promise to save the face-rippings for those who deserve it. The good thing about customer service work is that you can tell who deserves it and who doesn't. It's like an extra sense of smell or something.



    P.S. WTF is 'smizing'??