Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Deep Shit

I’m sure an infinitesimally small percentage of the world’s population has been kept up nights pressing the Refresh button on its browser while anxiously pondering the question: Where is Rose?


Well may your Refresh buttons rest in peace, for I am breaking my silence to bring you answers and questions and question-like answers to questions! Where has Rose been? Getting herself in deep shit, that is where Rose has been.


Yes, unfortunately, I am now officially swimming in Bad Waters—turbulent, unpredictable waters with little islands of steaming Shit that suck you into a black abyss of existential despair for days, only to spit you out with a self-satisfied *thock*, back into the raging current of BAD.


I have been waiting to post until I have wrapped my head around at least something, because I generally like to post articulate, well-thought-through comments on a semi-coherent topic. Har. But, unfortunately, my thoughts, life and actions just seem to get continually more jumbled until I literally feel like ripping my skin off.


I will spare you the long-form update of Life’s Proceedings—I went here, ate this, thought this, ablardiblahblah. Instead, allow me to describe the last few weeks as Data Collection. And the data I have been collecting has been about myself, namely about how I will actually act when given complete freedom.


Data Point #1: When left to my own resources, I will eat 300-800 calories a day and lose weight consistently.


Data Point #2: When I reach the absolute minimum weight that my school’s administration will even think about readmitting my ass, I go below it.


Data Point #3: When I agree that 1,000 calories is probably not going to make me explode, and that, yes, I can make that my minimum intake so my weight doesn’t dive off the charts, I go below it.


Data Point #4: When I picture myself gaining 3 pounds and maintaining that (which I must do to see the light of Amherst College), meaning eating more and not being so sneaky all the time, it makes me practically cry in terror.


In conclusion, I DO NOT know how to maintain my weight.


And I know that most people reading this are not actually attempting to maintain their weight, and when they hear about me complaining about my inability to stop losing weight, they roll their eyes with great aplomb and write me off as a Whining Whiner that doesn’t know what she’s talking about.


However, allow me to appeal to our collective ED voices and say that, the land of ED looks different for each person. And my personal fairy-tale land has me running around my beautiful college, with my beautiful friends, sharing a loving relationship with my boyfriend, succeeding in all I undertake, and BEING GODDAMN SKINNY. Pretty picture, eh?


So when I am put in a situation that is almost identical to that of my fairy-tale land, and I collect Data Points 1-4, well, I am left fucking disheartened. Maybe I can’t do this, I have been lying to myself this whole time, my fairy-tale land is unobtainable because I, Rose, am too fucking committed to my anorexia. No no no, hands over ears, la la la I can’t hear you that can’t fucking be true I can fucking do this I will I must god fucking damnit!!


So that, my lovelies, is where Rose has been. Not much fun, no, not much fun at all. But on the bright side, I am now 115 pounds and I fit into the Rose is Officially Skinny Jeans!! (Ironic, that fact is also the one that is throwing me into such fucking confusion. Silly me.) But yay! And I have been having some fun times on the side, so all is not chili cheese hot dogs and deep fried twinkies (aka HORROR). Needless to say, you beauties always make me feel better, and I hope I can sometimes do the same! *mwah*


xoRoseox

12 comments:

  1. I definitely missed you! Ugh, people need to mind there own business and let everyone take care of their own bodies! I'm sorry love, hope you get everything under control so you can go back to college!

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  2. in my mind eating disorders in their intense form are not essentially about a mad desire to lose weight/disappear, but a complete loss of comprehension of balance. you're right, it's different from everyone. and it's also about creating fairy-tales for ourselves that make everything ok, whether that's the cause of the ED or the result of it. i think that's why so many doctors and therapists have such a hard time with us; it looks like a desire to lose weight but really it's just a coping mechanism and we all use it differently to cope, and eventually it leads to a complete loss of understanding balance. i have no concept of actual biological hunger or fullness anymore, i've completely lost that. normal portions confuse me. when to start eating, when to stop, i'm clueless. this is all loss of balance, loss of comprehension of moderation. trying to balance a need to disappear/not eat/feel empty/lose weight with a need to exist/be happy/love/live/be allowed to do the things we want to do. i'm so glad you said this so articulately.

    anyway i hope you can find some balance somewhere in order to stay at school. you're struggling in a different way from many girls but you're still struggling, and honestly i think recovery or maintenance is harder than being deep in it, you know?

    xx x

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  3. You're at my goal. I'm sorry you must gain some back! I feel your pain.

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  4. Girl...I'm so great you're back and letting us find out how do you cope.I realise it is not easy. but I know you can be strong and keep fighting!
    luv

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  5. I missed you! <3 It's great to have you back!

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  6. I've been there, so I understand. The first time round on the Ana-ride. I got down to my goal weight and then I just didn't know what to do.

    But I'm going to ask you to please please please do your best to find a way to maintain. I don't want to scare you, but because I couldn't maintain they sent me to a million and one doctors and dietitians who only messed up my life (and that is partly the reason I'm fat again)....

    Good luck, namesake ;)
    xxx
    Rozy

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  7. I know the feeling, sweetie. I'm supposed to be recovering to make my husband happy... but losing weight makes me so freakin' happy that recovery and weight maintinance sounds like those chili cheese dogs and deep fried twinkies... damn confusion.

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  8. You said,

    Data Point #1: When left to my own resources, I will eat 300-800 calories a day and lose weight consistently.


    Data Point #2: When I reach the absolute minimum weight that my school’s administration will even think about readmitting my ass, I go below it.


    Data Point #3: When I agree that 1,000 calories is probably not going to make me explode, and that, yes, I can make that my minimum intake so my weight doesn’t dive off the charts, I go below it.


    Data Point #4: When I picture myself gaining 3 pounds and maintaining that (which I must do to see the light of Amherst College), meaning eating more and not being so sneaky all the time, it makes me practically cry in terror.


    In conclusion, I DO NOT know how to maintain my weight.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    If you are maintaining 120 pounds and barely active here are your metabolic numbers.

    * Resting (basal) metabolic rate: 1175 calories per day
    * Typical daily activities: 587 calories per day

    * Total calories burned: 1763 per day

    Now you know how to maintain 120 pounds.

    If you keep this crap up you odds are you will survive but you will have health problems. Like most women you will become a big fat glutton like the fat girls on my blog.

    Stop the starving BS and admit that there are day when you eat in the 3000+ calorie after days of eating 1000 or less.

    Break the fucking cycle and stop hurting people.

    Skinny chicks are always better than fat ones but I suspect most anas are wannabes. I suspect 90% are wannabes.

    Therapists for the most part are worthless. Try a rational emotive therapist. They fix your BS instead of indulging you in it.

    I know this sounds harsh but it's for your own good. You young ladies are bright and talented. Don't waste your potential and time with this obsession. Focus your energies on something that matters.

    AKA Fat Bastard

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  9. BTW, I too am a musician. That's my obsession.

    If this came off as too harsh please accept my apology. If you want to give me shit you can do it on my blog.

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  10. Miss Rose has been missing for 3 weeks and Lola is missing her muchly xxx she send Rose her love and hopes she is ok xxx

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  11. Haven't heard from you in a while...hope things are good!

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  12. Are you doing ok? I really hope so. Update, please?

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